Optical Illusion

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Pilots shouldn't drink on the job...

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Mediocre Humor

Musician Abuse...This band is playing a small bar, and the bass player is really drowning his sorrows. Between sets he goes into the bathroom. Suddenly a 'blood-curdling scream rings through the bar. About 5 minutes latter a shrill scream pierces the air of the bar again. The bartender decides that he had better go see if this guy is okay. Pounding on the door he asks, "Is everything ok in there?" "No!" says the bass player. "I'm sittin' on the john, and I tried to flush when something grabs me by the nuts! I tried again but the same thing happened! Get help!"

The bartender says, "Let me see if I can help." He opens the door and says, "You idiot! That's the mop-bucket!!"

What do you say to a Bass player in a three piece suit?

Will the defendant please rise.

This Bass Player goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?" She replies, "Because you're so damn ugly."

A guy goes into a doctor's office complaining of pain. The doctor asks, "where does it hurt?" The guy touches his arm and says ouch. Then he touches his knee and says owwwwwch. Then he touches his stomach and says owwww. "It hurts everywhere" he tells the doctor. The doctor says... "you're a bass player aren't you?" The guy replies, "how did you know that?" The doctor tells him, "you don't hurt everywhere... you're finger is broken."

A bass player and a drummer are driving down the road when the car breaks down. The only place around is this little farm house, so they walk over and knock on the door. This old farmer answers the door and gives them a weary look. "Our car broke down, can we use your phone." "Don't have a phone," the farmer answered. "But you can stay in the barn tonight." The two musicians thank the farmer, but notice at the top of the stairs is the very attractive daughter of the old man. The farmer notices them noticing his daughter and gets a little angry. "I mean it, stay in the barn... if I catch either one of you in the house, I will shoot you." The bass player and drummer go out to the barn, but can't sleep.. The drummer turns over and says "I can't take this... I have to go in the house and see that girl." He then gets up, goes inside and tries to find the daughter. All of a sudden though he hears the farmers voice and stops. "Who is that, who's down there?" yells the farmer. "Meow," replies the drummer. The farmer responds by throwing a shoe down the stairs and yelling at the cat to get out. The Drummer runs back to the barn and tells the Bass Player what happened. "I can't take this," says the Bass player. "It's my turn to go to the house". The Bass Player then attempts to go see the girl, but is also heard by the Farmer. "Who's down there, who is it?

The Bass player stops and replies... "It's the cat."

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball” So the bartender says, “You’re on.”

The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in again with another bet.

“Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow.” The bartender agrees. So the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.

The next day the same guy walks in and says “Bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without spilling a drop.” So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.

He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks… everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. “You owe me $500!”

“That’s ok,” says the guy, “I just bet those two guys at the end of the bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!”

Breakfast!

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Cory's baby picture!

Steve's baby picture!

Dave's baby picture!

and Finally... Ted's baby picture!

BODY MEETING

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body Ê wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge.

QUICK THINKER

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some Asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

More crap coming soon!